Nemesis dressed in Eros…

Cat-a-lyst

Noun

• A substance that increases the rate of a chemical reaction without itself undergoing any permanent chemical change.

• A PERSON or thing that precipitates an event.

Today is 8-11. That may not mean anything to anyone. It has profound implications for me. During my first heroic dose of mushrooms, I asked the ‘Voice’ - What is love?

What was then unveiled to me was the imagery of two “Freedoms” that looked like II going on and on into eternity. The two “Freedoms” shared an extacy that flowed between them. This looked like 8 and also went on for eternity… I8I is what was showed to me. Love is an extacy shared between two “Freedoms”. There are “portal” days we have in the calendar, today being one of them 8-11, 11-8 and 1-18…

I woke up at 12:32 am, weeping tears of sadness and a crushing weight in my chest. I dreamt of Apollo again. I lit three flames and white sage to cleanse the energy and began to write.

Am I crazy for still loving you?

I often wonder if this is all my imagination - that you never really existed.

You disappear so well.

Was it just my reflection that I fell so deeply in love?

Then why can’t I see my reflection in anything else?

How many lifetimes have we been dancing this dance?

We’ve hurt each other too many times.

It’s because we don’t know how to love ourselves…

It’s because we aren’t free…

It’s because we’ve forgotten why we’re here…

It’s because we’re scared…

Clarissa Pinkola Estes has often spoken about the “Dark Man” that starts showing up in the female psyche in her early 20’s. The “Dark Man” is a predatory archetype. He has been a recurring theme not only in the dream world but also in “real” life for myself. I’m so attuned to his presence in conscious and unconscious life that every time he is near I get chills. I’ve named the “Dark Man” of my psyche, Apollo. There is a wisdom to predatory dreams and we should pay attention to them…

Apollo is a son of Zeus and also God of the Sun, Art, Music, Poetry and Reason. He also guards Delphi so that Dionysus can perform their magic without interruption. Apollo doesn’t understand what happens in Delphi, he just knows that he must protect it.

“So much for Apollo - the radiance of the god shines primarily through the Graces, and they are rendered through the inspiration of the arts, which cannot be received until you have cancelled ego by putting your head into the mouth of the Lion.” - Joseph Campbell

When I first encountered Apollo, I was terrified. He would relentlessly chase me in my dreams, sometimes with a weapon, always with the intent to destroy me. On the rare occasion he did in fact “get me” before I would wake; he stood there, holding the space for my “death” and watched intently as I made my peace before “I” faded away…

“The natural predator of the psyche is not only found in fairy tales but also in dreams. There is a universal initiatory dream among women, one so common that it is remarkable if a woman has reached age 25 without having had such a dream.” -Clarissa Pinkola Estes

“Dreams are portals, entrances, preparations and practices for the next step in consciousness, the “next day” in the individuation process. So, a woman might have a dream of the predator when her psychic circumstances are too quiescent or complacent. We would say that this occurs in order to raise a storm in the psyche so that some energetic work can be done. But a dream like this affirms that the woman’s life needs to change, that the woman dreamer has gotten caught in some hiatus or ennui as regards a difficult choice, that she is reluctant to take the next step, go the distance, that she is shying away from wrestling her power away from the predator, that she is not used to being/ acting/ striving at full bore, in all-out capacity.” -Clarissa Pinkola Estes

I think the “Dark Man” has gotten a bad reputation because he lives in the shadows. “Dark Man” IS the catalyst that initiates us to awaken to our true self! His predation is an act of love. He holds the space for our symbolic death so we can be reborn, awakened. I’ve fallen in love with various versions of “Dark Man” in dreams and waking life. He is a magic mirror of sorts, that reflects all that is beautiful and must die to us. Quite the complicated relationship, that always ends in soul crushing heartache.

“Additionally, Dark Man dreams are also wake-up calls. They say; PAY ATTENTION! Something has gone radically amiss in the outer world, in personal life, or in the outer collective culture.” -Clarissa Pinkola Estes

I believe “Dark Man’s” ultimate message is to awaken us to LOVE. So, I’m not surprised that “Dark Man” would choose to visit me today, 8-11…